A Goodbye Letter

So much. So many tears.

One day I know that I'll be happy

&

the hand that I hold when I fall asleep

will be the one whose soul connects to my own.

Goodbye to all the people who have loved me, hurt me, changed me forever...

I have grown each day, with every tear that has fallen,

I look inward and fix myself, little by little.

The one I commit my life to will get the very best version of me.

I WILL fix my life.

I WILL become better.

I'll be with someone who draws my deep-rooted pain out of me and stays around to clean up the mess...

He will kiss my wounds, heal me and bring me back to life.

Until then, I will hold on for dear life and wait for that moment to come.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself,

and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness.

Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.

Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength". -August Wilson

A Goodbye Letter

So much. So many tears.

One day I know that I'll be happy and the hand that I hold when I fall asleep will be the one whose soul connects to my own.

Don't let your mind get weary
And confused your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy
Child, inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely
Child, it's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you that's where you'll find kindness.

She got jumper cable lips
She got sunset on her breath now
I inhaled just a little bit
Now I got no fear of death now

i cried.

Just a thought.

I spent my first major holiday without my family, but I was blessed to have had the opportunity to volunteer to feed the poor in Santa Monica. Most notably, I met a young boy named Miguel.

(cue sappy post)

This little boy came to the civic center with his mother to take part in the free clothing and toy drive. While i saw many people shoving as much as they could into their designated bags, Miguel only had one costume in his. He came up to me and politely asked if i could show him where the toys were.

I said that i would be happy to and began moving from section to section of the center, asking where the toys were. Finally, we reached the women who were in charge of the toys who told me that they had run out.

There is no way I could ever describe the look on this boy's face.

My heart was so heavy for him.

Having to turn to him and say that there were no toys left broke my heart.

To think that he waited on a line for hours to be told that the one thing he wanted was gone.

It made me think about all the toys Kailee has and the ones I've thrown away...

I guess this rambling about my Thanksgiving is just a long way for me to say:

Appreciate what you have because your circumstances can always be worse.

Be Thankful. That's what Thanksgiving is about.

"A building gets torched, all that is left is ashes.

I used to think that was true about everything, families, friends, feelings.

But now I know, that sometimes if love proves real,

two people who are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart."

Giving Thanks

It's my first Thanksgiving with out my family.

Being stuck, for lack of a better word, in Los Angeles has the power to make me absolutely miserable. Last night I sat around for a while and thought about the past year of my life. Going back to the previous Thanksgiving and comparing it to modern time makes me realize how drastically my life has changed. While some has changed for the better and some for the worse (temporarily) I had this overwhelming sense of thankfulness.

I am Thankful for those that love me and those that I love.

You are everything to me, and knowing that I have you in my life means the world to me.

I am thankful for KAILEE. The absolute light of my life. She is the strongest little lady I know and she makes me a better person every single day. I hope she knows the strength she gives me and how much she inspires me every single day. Thank you, Kai. I love you so much.

Thankful for all the little loves that bring love and delight to my life...

I am thankful for my amazing sister, Kristine, who has the ability to make me laugh in the most dire of situations. She epitomizes the quote:

“Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing.” _Helen Keller

I love you so much, stister.

I am thankful for family...

I am thankful for new friends...near and far.

I am thankful for old friends...

Near or far, I know you aren't going anywhere.

I love you more than I could explain.

I am thankful to call gorgeous Southern California HOME. What a blessed life.

So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Sooner or later...

I can't seem to figure out if I don't write because I have nothing to say or too much to say.

This past month has been a trying one. As if school weren't overwhelming enough, I developed a severe kidney infection, arguably exacerbated by the stress, and landed in the hospital for 4 days. I'm now a week behind in classes and instead of being productive and knocking things off the list one by one, I just look at the list, cry and/or take a bath. Go me.

My stay in the hospital also made me reevaluate who I have in my life. If you didn't call/fb/text and you knew I was in the hospital, I politely say "F*** You." You are obviously a less-than stellar friend and I don't want or need you in my life. GET OVER YOURSELF.

The semester is nearing its end and the work is piling up and I know I'm going to need to pump myself and blast "God is Gonna Cut You Down" while speeding down Busch at 7am as if I'm going to battle. It is a battle of sorts, I guess. A battle in which I need to prove to myself that I can balance all of this. I can do all of this, and I will be fine.

I don't need anyone or anything to move me along in life. It's about time that I stand on my own two feet.

it's about that time

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

Revealing the truth

is like lighting a match,

it can bring light, or it can set your world on fire.

I've been so inundated with school work that I haven't had a chance to stick my toes in the sand. This Saturday will be devoted to taking a book to the beach (okay, okay, it will be a TEXT book.) While my East Coast loves are shoveling snow and mucking up their shoes in slush, I shall be sipping a marg from my Starbucks-to-go cup and taking in the Malibu weather....until work at 5:30.

Oh yeaaa.

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.

I laughed..

Don't act like you didn't.